The Chance Chatter of Chameleons

Everywhere, nowhere always chasing rainbows. Everything and nothing all at the same time. Running through life to never get home.

I have sat down to write this piece at least ten times now. Ten times over the course of the past three months. Every time I sat down the perfectly crafted words in my brain felt fake and disingenuous. Truth is (mike drop) most of us are fake and disingenuous; let us be honest, who really wants the world to see us as we really are? Are we even truthful and honest with ourselves; have we stopped running through life chasing rainbows long enough to return home? I have not.

There I said it, I have not stopped chasing rainbows. Rainbows are not tangible all the while they are real. Rainbows are reflections of light, colorful prisms that create an illusion. Many of us, not all (that would be a brush stroke to broad), are terrified of living that life without the colorful prisms which hide our hurt, our insecurities, our demons, our failures, our worries, our scars, and even sometimes our successes behind the sparkling illusion of a rainbow.

Being everything and nothing all at the same time. Dedicating energy to hiding traumas, fulfilling peoples needs, not being wanted by the people we need. The constant act of being empty while filling those around us up. Smiling, sparkling, always showing up when it counts. That is a rainbow. They are not always there, just after the rains to remind you that there is beauty after the ugliness of a storm. I am still chasing rainbows.

Running through life to never get home. Is trying to get home a climb to steep, a run to long? Are we going to get home only to find that what our soul longed for is not there? Maybe home is not where we need to go when we are done chasing rainbows; broken, bruised, disheartened. Maybe you are one of the lucky few who do not have demons and have not been damaged by life in some manner, barring yourself to the world without concern.  For those who are not lucky (we know who we are) maybe home isn’t what we need, maybe we need to return to ourselves. Perhaps the true chase is not rainbows but empowering ourselves to heal, to slay our demons (or at least cage them), to not always show up, and allow ourselves to express our opinions. Hugging ourselves when we are lonely but do not have the energy for people, which is returning to yourself. Finding the place that has been out of reach, climbing to a height where you can clearly see the landscape around you, stop chasing rainbows.

You will never reach that rainbow; it will be just out of reach no matter how long you chase it. Instead of chasing rainbows, I am going to climb the mountains and find the balance in the center of myself. It may take a bit of time, some patience, a bit determination, and some self-love to find the balance at the top of that mountain but once there I will be able to look down at the rainbows I was chasing and appreciate the journey. Once I’m there, I return to myself, the colorful prisms of the rainbow can fall to the ground so the world can see me, the beauty that was hidden by the storm.

Everywhere, nowhere always chasing rainbows. Everything and nothing all at the same time. Running through life to never get home.